My Mini Rant (I Swear A Lot)

I have to get this shit off my chest or it's very fucking likely my head will explode.  

#1 - Males across the nation - PULL UP YOUR DAMN PANTS!!!!  No self respecting dude needs to be showing his skives to all the ladies.  Especially then the ladies are in their 30's (or older) and the males are teens.  That does not make us feel like a cougar it makes us feel like a felon.  Get a fucking belt and pull your shit up!  

Unfortunately this is not confined to the males of our species; however with the females of our species the problem is that their shorts or short skirt does not go down far enough.  Bitches need to learn to cover their pooter.  Especially if you are a teenager in my house!!  (Not my girls, their friends - although I'm not an idiot.  When my kids leave the house its a guessing game as to what they change into.  See this post here for clarification.)  More than once my girl's friends have come downstairs in the morning after a sleepover and M has had an overwhelming desire to bleach his eyes.  COVER YOUR SHIT UP!!  Again, this does not make him feel manly, it makes him feel like he should be in jail. 

#2 - Twi-Hards?  Whatever the Twilight fanatics are calling themselves, I get your obsession with the movies.  I do.  The books were fantastic, but I recognize them for what they are - Fiction.  Fantasy.  NOT REAL.  In 10 fucking years there will be a different craze and you'll have to explain why you have this on your chest:  

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Or a portrait of someone, who is not you nor any relation to you, on your calf.  Eventually, no one is going to know who they even are.  Remember cute little Brian Bonsall?  Yeah,  neither does anyone else.

*Brian Bonsall played little brother, Andy Keaton, on Family Ties.  And yes, I'm aware Family Ties was a sitcom and the Twilight movies are so much bigger than Family Ties ever was, but I'm trying to make a point here so suck off...

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Are you for real?!  You had to have been beaten with the stupid stick as a child for you are a fucking tool.

#3 - Mailmen.  I can appreciate the difficulty you have this time of the year with all the packages, and the Holiday cards, and the rush rush rush, but DO YOUR FUCKING JOB.  I don't expect other people to do my job; the one I'm paid to do.  Why am I expected to do yours?!  Take a damn moment to read the address on the packet of mail you're depositing into my office mailbox and if it's not my address - DON'T DEPOSIT IT!  Walk your happy fucking holiday ass across the street and give them their mail!  

I have a doorbell attached to the door frame for a reason.  Use it.  If you try to open the door and it's locked, press your little finger to the bell.  No matter where I am in the building I can, and I will, be at that door in less than a minute.  When you see me coming to unlock the door it's not a fucking race to see if you can get the mail into the mailbox slot before I get the door unlocked.  You don't win a prize for that shit.  Instead you get my boss wanting to shove a metal rod straight through your skull because that mailbox is a BITCH to open!  

But in reality, Mr. Lazy-As-Fuck-Mailman, you win this round.  Because who can I complain to that you're a complete douche canoe?  I could complain to the Postmaster but the balance of power is in your hands.  If I complain, you get shitty that I called you out, and I don't get any mail for days or it's all "lost".  My suppliers, the utility company, and the car financing companies don't care if I didn't get my bills in time to pay them.  They still want their money.  

A tip of my hat to you, Mailman.  You're a fucking Asshat.