I Must Be A Hussy

Once, when I was married before to SFB, I worked briefly at the same factory as my Mother In Law (from HELL I like to add).  While I've never been a fan of factory work, it was a paycheck and at the time we desperately needed that paycheck.  It was a small factory and I can't even remember exactly what they made other than it had to do with Cold Start Diesel Engines.  (Whatever that means.)  There were about 9 ladies in the factory and 2 guys who worked in the shipping area.  It really was just one big warehouse space divided into the two separate spaces.

Being that I was 19 years old at the time I didn't really have much in common with the ladies there.  They were all at least 35/40 or older.  However, the 2 shop guys were in their early to late 20's.  Who do you think I gravitated to?  That's right.  The guys.  

Let me tell you, my MIL thought that I was just the worst of the worst for even talking to these guys.  God forbid I speak to someone of the opposite sex when I was married!  OH, THE HORROR!!!  

I knew she wasn't overly happy that I would talk to these guys, but I didn't care.  I did it anyway.  I wasn't doing anything wrong.  I was just talking to them.  

Well one day I made the cardinal mistake of going with one of the guys to pick up a large lunch order.  Whenever this guy would go out to lunch, he'd ask everyone in the building if they wanted anything because he was NICE like that.  This one time nearly everyone wanted something.  I offered to help him get it and bring it back to the shop.  We were gone for 10 - 15 minutes.  I swear that was all.

HOLY HELL DID THE SHIT HIT THE FAN.

According to my MIL it was bad enough that I would talk to these guys.  How DARE I leave the shop with one of them.  Because of course I was boning him in the car on the way to get the lunch.  Because we were gone long enough for that to even be a possibility.

This particular lunch run was the start of the decline of my marriage.  Not that it was all her fault, but the fact that your in-laws (because she dragged her daughter, other son, and husband into the mix) HATE you does not make for an easy marriage.  

Fast forward 15 years....

Ki went to visit with her dad's side of the family for Spring Break.  She called me, like I asked her to, when her Grandmother (my ex-MIL) picked her up to take her to her Aunt's house.  I was at work and Justin was up front BSing with me while he was waiting for something when she called.  I was asking her questions over the phone and Justin was mock answering them from in front of me.  I was laughing and told Justin to knock it off.  Ki asked me who I was talking to and I told her (she's known Justin for a long time, too).  

Then, without thinking about who I was talking to, I told her to make sure that she tells her Grandmother that I was talking to a guy at work who wasn't my husband and she'd better tell my husband on me.  When her reply was "Huh?" I realized that I was talking to my 14 year old daughter about her ignorant Grandmother, and I told her "Never mind."

I knew as soon as she hung up the phone with me that she'd say something to her Grandmother.  Needless to say when Ki returned a week later she was full of questions about my comment and wanting to know why her grandmother was saying that "some people never learn".  As much as I would have loved to tell her the story behind the comment, I'm not that stupid.  I'm just lucky that Ki had been off her meds for the week and it didn't take long for her to become distracted and forget her questioning.  

Lets just hope that she doesn't remember later because I have no idea how I can make that story age and person appropriate....

*I don't have any idea why Blogger is underlining certain words.  I didn't do that to emphasize anything!  I did capitalize but I didn't underline.

I've Raised A Street Walker

My normally level headed 16 year old has lost her damn mind.  She is planning on attending an after prom cruise on Lake Michigan with a group of friends.  I say planning on because she doesn't even go to the school this after prom activity is for, they're not going to the prom for that school, and I'm pretty sure her best friend who has talked her and the others into this grand idea isn't going to be able to get permission to bring 5 kids who don't attend the school and won't even be going to the prom to this after prom activity.  Did that make sense?  Go ahead and re-read it to un-confuse yourself because I re-wrote it three times and it never got better.  I'll wait...

Less confused now?  Good.

Li asked me several weeks ago if I would care if she went to this after prom cruise.  I told her then that I didn't think Melissa would be able to pull it off, but what do I know?  I'm just her mom and therefore I am as stupid as they come.  She then asked me if I'd be able to help her with a dress.  I told her I wasn't shelling out huge amounts of money for a prom dress for her to not attend prom in, but that I would help her out (and this part is important) depending on the dress.

Fast forward several weeks.

I have not heard a word from Li about this prom since our original two conversations several weeks ago.  This prom is now a mere weeks away (two maybe?) and Li asked me last night if a dry cleaner could do alterations to a dress because she bought a dress for "prom" and it needs a little bit of work.  By now I'm a little leery.  She never said she was going dress shopping.  She never asked for money for the dress.  Just what the hell does this dress look like?

Charlotte Russe dress

My 16-year old has lost her damn mind.  Are you KIDDING ME?!?!?  And the alterations she wants?  The boob pockets (because lets be honest - that's what they are in this dress) are way to large for her because she's not busty, and the slit that comes up 4" above her knee she wants to be longer so that it comes practically to her waist.  FUCK THAT.

In as nice of words as I could find to delicately tell her  I told her "No way.  No how.  You look like a hooker."  At which point she stomped out of my room and slammed her door.  She returned later, with puffy eyes and a stuffy nose, to inform me that she can't return a dress that she doesn't have a receipt for because she threw the receipt away when 2 weeks were past because "you can't return anything after 2 weeks".  Oh, she'll return it alright.  She'll end up with store credit for the cost of the dress as it is now (which is on sale for $15 cheaper than she bought it for) but that dress is going back.

I started thinking about it later and realized that my daughter bought the dress knowing that I wouldn't approve of it and then deliberately hid it from me (hid it by not telling me she bought it not hid it from me in a closet or something) for 2 weeks thinking that I would say "oh well.  You can't return it so I guess you can wear it."

When I shared this story with a friend she said "I remember the stuff I tried to pull over my parents when I was 16 / 17 years old!"

So do I except the shit I pulled at 17 was getting pregnant.  With my future Street Walker.

Did Ya Miss Me?!?!

It's been a few weeks since I posted last.  Not because I don't love you all, I do, I just simply didn't have anything interesting to post about.  I'm tried of bitching about my mom, my future SIL, my kids, etc... I figured you were just as tired of reading it.

I do have a funny, not funny, but still funny story from Easter dinner....

We went to my parent's house for Easter dinner.  Usually I will do anything and everything I can to avoid family get togethers, especially now since I can't drink, but this time it was a smaller and much more manageable group.  My parents, my brother Mark, my Grandmother (who is starting to go a bit batty), my Aunt and Uncle and cousin, another cousin and his fiance.  Plus my girls, M and I.  Compared to the 30-something the whole family amounts to - 13 is a much smaller number.

My cousin A is engaged to W.  W is allergic to nuts.  I didn't know this but I never have get togethers at my place where I have to coordinate food and food preparation.  My mother apparently was aware of her allergy as was my Aunt and Grandmother.  My mother made a side dish with broccoli, bacon, red grapes, and walnuts.  She failed to tell W that there were nuts in the salad.  W took a bite, realized what she'd eaten and nudged Cousin A while tapping her plate subtly with her fork as if to say "did you see that?"  My Uncle D saw this movement and thought she was saying "what the hell is this crap!?"  He was getting ready to tease her about thinking our food is bad when she asked my mother if there were nuts in the broccoli side.  You should have seen my mother's face!  Oh Em Gee!  I think she wanted to die right there.  She's all apologizing to W for not remembering to tell her there were nuts in one of the sides, W is all apologizing to my mother for not asking her if there were nuts in the side...  Then poor W starts chugging Coke in an attempt to flush any walnut residue out of her throat.

She and Cousin A ended up needing to go to the nearest pharmacy to get a syringe as she had her epi-pen but no syringe.  It was Easter Sunday but my Mother sent them to the nearest Walgreens insisting that it would be open because "it's Walgreens!  It's always open on Sundays!" despite us telling her "It's EASTER Sunday!"  Luckily they found an open Walgreens, got her syringe, pumped her full of adrenalin and they returned alive and breathing.

My mother was worried about them because they were gone for a bit longer than we thought they would be, and my mother is telling Mark to "text A and see if they need anything.  See if they're ok."  Uncle D is just laughing at my mother at this point because Cousin A and W are both doctors.  If they have a medical issue, out of everyone at the house that day, they're the one's who would know what to do!

End of the story is that my mother tried to kill W with nuts but no one died.

Except Jesus.

But then he supposedly rose again so I guess it's all good.*

*and I do believe that I will be going to hell for ending a blog with that!