Black Sheep

I really don't understand why when I stand up for myself and my beliefs, my family seems to think I'm being a bitch.  It happened with my email to my cousins and aunts over the baby shower and christening gown.  My mother basically told me that the world doesn't revolve around me.  I'm not 13.  I know this.  Let me make perfectly clear that I'm well aware that people are entitled to their own opinions and my family has many, but I didn't say anything until I'd had enough.  At which point I said what my opinions were. 

Apparently I need to either A) Shut up about anything I think and "go with the flow" regardless of my thoughts and feelings or B) Stop having any sort of contact with my family.  Neither of these options are very appealing to me.  Well... Option B at the moment, but that will pass.

Every year for Mother's Day for the last 8 or 9 years Chicago has had a Breast Cancer walk/run called Y Me which is held on Mother's Day.  This walk begins and ends in Grant Park.  It really is a nice thing to do, however there is a phrase "nothing is free" and this walk is no exception.  The cheapest I can register for this walk is $25/person.  I have three people in my family who would participate in this walk.  I don't have $75 to essentially get up at the buttcrack of dawn, drive downtown, find a place to park, pay for that parking, walk 3 miles in cold and drizzle (which was the weather for the last three walks we did), and pay for brunch afterwards.  Lets face it - it costs $75 just to register.  Add in everything else and we're talking $120 - $150 minimum.

Last year and this year I have decided that the girls and I would bow out of the walk and I would do something special with my Mother for Mother's Day - just the two of us.  Or maybe four if she'd like to have the girls come too.  My father sent an email to my brothers and I reminding us of the upcoming walk, and the cost to register now vs the cost to register later, etc.  He also reminded us that this year Mother's Day falls on my older brother, Eric's birthday.  He indicated this would be a wonderful family outing to incorporate the entire family for such a wonderful cause, etc.  Way to lay the groundwork, Dad.  Now when I bow out I'm going to catch hell for it.  I'm not going to be talked into this walk by being guilted into it.  It's EXPENSIVE for me to participate!  I'd rather spend that money getting K new bedding and L an new dresser-thingy.

So I decided to get it over with.  I sent the email.  I declined to participate explaining the expense it costs me.  I invited my Mother out to dinner and a movie of her choice on a date to be determined later, and asked to be informed of how the family plans to celebrate Eric's birthday.

I got an email back from my Mom telling me that she's more than ok with the girls and I not participating in the walk and that dinner and a movie would be fine.

I also got an email back from my Dad telling me that since this is supposed to be a family event, and since we've been doing this walk for years, I should have anticipated it and saved for it so we could participate.  He claims he was extremely disappointed in me last year for not participating and had hoped that I would have made "better decisions" this year, but apparently I have not as I continue to be selfish with my time.  He asked me to remember that this is my Mother's Mother's Day wish - for her Entire FAMILY to participate in this walk as it's for a good cause, etc, etc, etc.  Oh, and he also said that it's selfish of me to use the excuse that it's my Mother's Day as well because without my mom I wouldn't be here.

See what I mean?  My mother is ok with it.  She even said in her email to me that she enjoys our one on one time.  So either my Mom is lying to me and secretly talks about me being the horrible daughter to my Dad, or my Dad is just an ass.

I'm just tired of all this crap.  M and I have been talking about looking for jobs in another state.  One that isn't as crippled in jobs as Illinois is.  My drawback has been not wanting to be too far away from my family.  Now that the girls are older and pretty much self sufficient (I don't need babysitters every time we leave the house) it's something that I'm willing to look further into. 

It Had To Happen Sometime

As I have mentioned before on more than one occasion - I had my children young.  I was 18 when I had L and 20 when I had K.  My family, on both sides, practically salivate at the thought of new gossip and I'm well aware that I was fodder for that sort of conversation for a very long time.  I know this.  I'm not stupid. 

My Aunt Cindy and I were pregnant at the same time.  Her son, my cousin, was due 3 weeks after I was due with L.  (He ended up being born 3 weeks before L)  He and L were great friends growing up.  Neither of them could wait to see the other when a family get together was planned and neither wanted to be the one who had to go home.  I was really kind of cute actually.  K came along two years later.  Due to this closeness in generations I know that my cousins, especially my younger cousins, think of L and K as cousins like me even though they're technically a generation removed. 

This never really bothered me until recently.  I have two cousins who are married.  Generally speaking, kids follow marriage.  My cousin, Steph, is pregnant with her first child - a boy.  I am so excited for her.  I am so thrilled for her and Scott.  Not only for the obvious reasons but because Steph recently went through some very serious health issues.  It was a long illness with painful procedures and painful recoveries.  They weren't sure if they even wanted to get pregnant as her health issues are genetic.  However, as things like this seem to go, while they didn't plan on it they are over the moon excited to be having a baby.

As I said I'm thrilled for them!  I really am, but I was beginning to get really pissed off at my family.  It started with an email from an Aunt in Utah to all the Aunts and female cousins in IL (the majority of us are in Illinois) wanting to know if anyone was planning a Baby Shower for Steph.  Pretty innocent question, right?  Not the way this was worded.  She specifically indicated how excited she was that we were finally going to have another generation to add to the "Family Tree", and that my Grandma was going to have Great-Grandchildren, and that we should really band together to make sure that Steph has the best Baby Shower of all time as she's bringing the first of the next generation into the family.  Hello?!  WHAT THE FUCK?!  Then I get a "reply all" email from another Aunt who has "heard through the grapevine" that Steph and Scott are planning on asking my Grandma if they can use the family christening gown, and how wonderful that this next generation is going to be using the family gown.  (This gown was brought over from Scotland something like 175 years ago.  It's gorgeous and it's a coveted heirloom.)

Now I'm angry.   Outright ANGRY.  I specifically remember being about to pop with L and asking my mother if she thought that Grandma and Papa would allow my child to be christened in the family gown.  (At the time, while I didn't attend church, I didn't have the same views I have now and baptism was a very real thought in my mind.)  My mother got misty-eyed and told me that she was sure they'd allow it, and that my Papa was going to be so excited to find out that I wanted to carry on the family tradition.  Uh.. Not so much.  When I asked him, in the middle of dinner with the ENTIRE family, his initial facial expression was similar to what I'd have expected if I'd asked to use the family gown on a dog.  He then said, "I don't deal with those things.  Ask your Grandmother" and returned to his dinner as though I was bothering him.  So, I asked my Grandma and her reply was "I don't even know where it is", turned to whichever Aunt or Uncle was sitting next to her and started a conversation.  I remember sitting there not knowing what to say.  No one else was talking and everyone was extremely uncomfortable.  I think I finally got up using the excuse of an aching back and if I remember correctly, L's Dad and I left without so much as a good-bye to anyone.  I never asked again and it was never mentioned again.   

I got yet another reply email from a cousin indicating how excited she is and confirming the christening gown story among other tid-bits.  I had finally had enough.  I sent a reply all myself asking my family to respectfully remove me from these conversations.  I told them all that I understand their excitement of the pregnancy but lets not forget that women have been having babies for thousands of years and therefore is not a new or unique situation.  I also added that the additional generation is not new to our family as the "next generation" for our family has already arrived.  And while I was at it, I think it's awesome that Steph has been granted permission to use the family christening gown, and her child will be the first of the "next generation" to use it but not due to lack of interest.  If everyone would go back 16 years to a very uncomfortable dinner in which I asked to use the family gown but was treated as though I wanted to put it on Satan himself.  And finally, I thought it was fantastic that they all wanted to throw a Baby Shower for Steph.  While they were at it could they throw me one too?  I was still waiting on the Baby Shower that I was told would be thrown for me "after the baby arrives".  She's 15 now so clothes and a car would be great "baby gifts".

I haven't heard a peep from anyone except my mom, and that was only to tell me how rude and ungrateful I am.  Was I wrong to go off on everyone via email?  I don't think so.

Apprehensive

K has another therapy appointment today and this time I get to be in the room.  Oh joy.  This is not going to end well.  I'm  disappointed in her therapist as she's known that I want her to talk to K's social worker at the school for some time now and she's not made any attempt to contact the social worker.  K's school social worker has left a couple messages for the therapist but has yet to receive a return call.  This irritates me because I know that the K that is in the therapist's office every week is not the same K that goes to school and I have at home.  When alone, with someone she likes, K is a very agreeable person.  Nice, funny, sweet, etc, but add to her environment someone she doesn't care for (her sister or me) and she becomes this devil child who I want to lock in her room.  

For instance, last night K was washing the dinner dishes.  She was mad that she had to clean L's pan from her grilled cheese, but that's the rule with dinner dishes.  Whomever has dishes that night cleans ALL the dishes used to make dinner regardless of who used the dish.  (L didn't want the enchiladas we made so she made grilled cheese instead.  K thought this meant L had to clean her own dish - not the case.)  Because she was mad at me for making her clean the pan (it was one stinking skillet for craps sake!) she decided to yell up to L to empty the recycling.  I tried to remind her that she doesn't like it when L acts like "her mom" so not to do it to L and the response I got made me hit the ceiling.  Under her breath she mumbles some rude comment.  Just loud enough that I can hear her talking but not loud enough for me to hear what she said.  

These are my pet peeves of K's behavior:

• Rolling her eyes when I'm talking to her
• Interrupting me
• Saying "Whatever" when I'm done talking 

      or worse

• Saying "Whatever" while I'm talking

I've had it with her mouth.  I've had it with her attitude.  I'm done.  I'm tired of her being in my face all the time.  I'm afraid that I'm going to really lose my cool and beat the crap out of her.  Honestly, that's what I'm afraid of most.  So many people have told me that I should just let her have one good smack and she'll learn.  My issue with that is she makes me SO mad that if I give her one good smack - I'm not sure I'd be able to stop.  So I abide by the age old adage "keep your hands to yourself". 

I'll have to post again over the weekend about how the therapy session goes today...