Toxic People

I understand that when people drink, their filters somehow get switched into the “Off” position, but I never realized just how “off” Beth’s filter is when she drinks.  At a 60^th Birthday Party for a friend’s Mom this past weekend, Beth had a little bit too much to drink.  Whatever.  She’s of age, and she didn’t have her kids so go for it.  She got into it with Jess about why Jess isn’t friends with this girl Jenny anymore. 

Quick background: Jenny was the person who held all the parties about 9 years ago.  She is how I met Beth, Craig, M, Stef, Chris, Jess, etc.  Jen’s daughter was a classmate of Ki’s when they were in Daycare together.  I didn’t realize when I started hanging out with them just how toxic Jen is.  Everything she touches turns to crap.  She’s antagonizes and instigates everything.  When M and I started hanging out more she tried like hell to start shit between us.  I cut all ties with her and slowly so did everyone else. 

She basically disappeared from the radar for several years.  Suddenly she’s popped up again.  Beth and Craig have been hanging out with her pretty regularly for the last few months.  I really don’t care who they hang out with and if they want to befriend Jen again then all the power to them.  I do however, have a problem when they call M at 8pm on a weekend while he and I are hanging out watching a movie or whatever, trying to get him to ditch me and go to Jen’s for a party.  Excuse me?  I would NEVER tell M who he can and cannot hang out with.  We don’t have that type of relationship.  However, I did tell him that I don’t want him to hang out with Jen.  I think she’s bad news and I don’t need the stress that I’m positive she’ll create.  He understands and has told me he won’t hang out with her.  He’s also explained that he also won’t “run away” from her.  Such as if he’s at Beth & Craig’s and she shows up he’s not just going to leave.  I get it.  I’m cool with that.  I understand.

Fast Forward to the party this last weekend.  Beth has had a lot to drink.  And I mean A LOT.  She’s about 8 sheets to the wind at this point.  It’s become Beth & Craig’s mission to get the “old gang” back together and they don’t seem to understand why people don’t like Jen.  Beth cornered Jess at this party and decided that was an appropriate time to ask Jess why she doesn’t like Jen and to tell Jess that she doesn’t understand why everyone can’t just get along.  When Beth started grilling Jess about Jess’ reasoning for not liking Jen I decided that was my cue to leave the area. 

Jess found me inside the house later and told me that I owe her for ditching her with Beth!  She couldn’t believe Beth wouldn’t let it go!  She said Beth kept asking her for specifics as to why.  Jess said to me “I’ve known Jen a HELL of a lot longer than Beth has.  I’ve known Jen since Jr. High for God’s sake!  Who is (Beth) to tell me that Jen deserves a second chance?!  When I had kids I realized that there are people who deserve to be in your life and there are people who don’t.  Jen was someone I didn’t need as another set of baggage in my trunk.  I cut ties with her and haven’t regretted it since.”

Why can’t some people just let things be?  Why must they stir the pot constantly?  I don’t understand.  We should be past this petty type of bullshit at this stage of our lives.

Update

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to write a blog post but it just goes off somewhere I never intended.  However, I figure after my last information bomb I should at least update you all!

I went to my PCP on Thursday and confirmed what I already knew to be true.  I’m pregnant.  On my way home from that appointment I called an OB/GYN my PCP recommended (she just had her second child about 9 months ago) who, thankfully, takes my insurance and made an appointment to see them.  I had my first OB appointment on Monday. 

They had to do an internal ultrasound – I don’t know why other than to make me extremely uncomfortable – and I did get to hear the baby’s heartbeat and see it as well.  I took the scan print out home for M to see and after staring at if for several minutes he turned to me and said,

“Well.  I guess we’re having a duck.”

WHAT?!  Why would you say - Oh, ok.  I see where you go the duck from.  I tried to get him to understand that this early in the pregnancy the baby resembles a blob more than a human still, but that (s)he will look more human like in the weeks to come.

Of course M is dying to tell everyone who will listen that he’s going to be a Dad.  On Saturday we went a friend’s son and Daughter’s combined birthday party.  Stef accosted me as soon as I walked in and dragged me into the basement.  They just got Jack a twin size bed and gave his toddler bed to Sammy, so Sammy’s crib was in the basement along with a dresser and changing table.  Stef told me they were going to call a donation center to come pick up the furniture but as soon as M told them I was pregnant she told Chris there was no way they were donating the furniture.  Instead they’re GIVING it to M and I.  I cannot tell you how much of a weight this takes off me.  I’m broke.  My kids suck me dry and Illinois is freaking expensive to live in and I’m constantly in the red.  Or really damn close.  I’ve been having nightmares of “family sleeping” which was really creeping me out.

In addition to the furniture, Stef’s cousin is going to sell me her Travel System stroller for uber-cheap, and giving me a breast pump.  I’ll just have to get new tubing and sterilize it.  I didn’t even know what a Travel System stroller was, but knew it was something nice with the way all the women around were ooh-ing and ahh-ing when she offered. 

Travel System Stroller

Li and Ki took the news pretty well.  Ki was jumping up and down almost crying with excitement.  Li was more low key.  The first thing she said was “I know it’s a ways off still, but we only have 3 bedrooms.”  Being a 16-year old she’s more concerned with the possible loss of privacy than with anything else yet.

All I can really say that I’m experiencing right now is extreme exhaustion, an aversion to ALL food (not just cheese and bologna now), and nausea that never ends.  I told my friend Nicole that I wish I would just be able to throw up and be done with it.  She said she had “morning” sickness with her youngest that lasted all 9 months.  She said she threw up all day no matter what.  She also said that she’s lucky Sam was her last or she’d never have had any more.

On another note, Brooke I tried to do your award requirements but I honestly don’t know what blog posts to put in ANY of those categories.  Other than the Most Popular – Kids Say the Cutest Things – which was easy to figure out with the blogger stats.  I’m sorry.  I’m a crappy award recipient.  I do thank you though!  It’s exciting to know that someone thinks I’m award worthy!  Thank you!

Never Say Never... Again

I hope to GOD no one in my family is actually reading this...  (Wand, if you do read this please, please, PLEASE keep this quiet for now.  Not even MM can know yet.)

My Small Soldiers gave me a blog award today and I've never gotten a blog award before so I'm super excited about it but this afternoon I got HUGE news that I can't quite wrap my head around and is consuming all my focus at the moment.  (I promise, Brooke, I will do the award requirements!)

According to the E.P.T. test stick I had to pee on - I'm pregnant.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.  On one hand I'm not a teenager like I was with Li and Ki.  On the other hand I am, yet again, not married to the father.  I know that in today's age that, in and of itself, is not earth shattering but having done this whole "unwed mother" thing with my family before I'm not so hot to trot to do it again.

I also know that over the counter pregnancy tests are not 100% conclusive.  However, this isn't my first time on this ride and I'm pretty sure I know the symptoms I'm exhibiting.  Is referring to these as symptoms correct?  It sounds a bit callous I know, but I'm not working with all cylinders right now.  I cannot look at cheese or even think about cheese.  The thought right now is making me a little queasy.  I love cheese.  I have been known to make a dinner out of nothing but a block of sharp cheddar.  I've been smelling things that I shouldn't be smelling.  Craig was eating a bologna sandwich in the office next to me and I could smell it.  (Made me a little queasy, too.)  Then there are the changes in my body that I'm not getting into here, but if you've ever been pregnant you know EXACTLY what I'm referring to.  Oh!  And my clothes are beginning not to fit.  However, this may be due more to the fact that I'm stuffing my face with every carb I can get my hands on than anything else.

All I can think about right now is money.  I know how much kids cost.  I know how quickly they can bleed you dry of every penny you've ever earned.  That savings account you were adding to since you were 12 years old and cutting grass in the heat every summer?  All those babysitting jobs with the Bina Boys being forced to play the Pink Ranger from Power Rangers because you're a girl?  All those long nights of working at Cock Robin making ice cream creations for the screaming masses?  Yeah, THAT savings account.  Gone.  Wiped with the first purchase of a crib, changing table, and swing.

On top of that do you have ANY idea how much Ambien I've taken in the last month?!  I've taken enough to tranquilize an elephant.  In addition to all the alcohol I've consumed.  I sound like the worlds biggest druggie alcoholic, and I'm really not, but I do have a HORRIBLE time sleeping (which isn't going to get any better from here on out for the next 10 years) and I like to have a glass of wine in the evenings.  Or share a bottle of wine with Jessie on the weekends.

I think I need to go.  I'm beginning to hyperventilate.  And I need to make an appointment with my doctor for a "real" pregnancy test.

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for not judging.  Thank you for being you...

Overdue

I guess this post is a little over due.  Thank you for your supporting comments on my last post.  I do appreciate it.

The update since that posting is as follows:  Ki came home at 5:30 on Thursday and has been pleasant since then.  She hasn’t argued with anyone, hasn’t had an attitude (minor things with Li but that’s just being siblings), and basically has been a pleasant person.  I was fearful that I was going to get an earful from the parents.  I was sure that they were going to talk to Ki about why she wanted to come to their house and I’d be afforded 100% of the blame.  However, when my mother dropped Ki’s stuff off on Thursday morning after dropping Ki off at school, she informed me that she didn’t even ask Ki about it.  My mother’s exact words were “There’s no way I’m getting in the middle of an argument between a 14-yr old and her mother.”  The same cannot usually be said for my father, but I haven’t heard from him so your guess is as good as mine.  I’m sure he talked to her (I can’t picture my Dad letting that go without sticking his nose into it) but hopefully he will keep his silence.

We had a family therapy session last night with Ki’s therapist.  Ki was less than thrilled with this arrangement.  I think she feels that we were infringing on something that is “hers”.  However, I think it was very important.  The problem is that in my family we don’t talk about anything.  Something makes us mad, we yell or scream and then it’s over and it’s not talked about again.  This is how I was raised.  So I kind of felt like I was pulling the scab off a wound that was healing.  Even though I know it’s not healing – more like festering until the next episode.  So… Ki felt that we were picking on her.  You could tell by her body language.  I guess we’ll just have to keep trying to communicate better and we’ll see how the next two weeks go.

On another subject – My friend Jessie’s son had to get stitches in his head on Monday.  M and I were sitting in the living room being the bums we intended to be all day when Jessie called me.  I answered with my typical greeting to her “What’s up, Hooker?”  The woman was hysterical.  I could hardly understand her.  I caught enough to bolt upright and scramble to put on shoes and grab my purse.  (I was braless at the time.  Yes, Ladies, I had a sweatshirt on but just hadn’t put on a bra at the time.)  I think I broke the sound barrier getting to her house.  Andrew had been running from the living room into the kitchen (Andrew’s 2 ½) when he tripped over either his own feet or the vacuum cord and crashed head first into the corner of her kitchen island.  She couldn’t get a hold of her parents and I was the next closest person to come sit with the girls while she and Justin took Little Man to the ER.  However, all this was learned after the fact!  All I understood from her phone call was: Andrew, Blood, ER, Watch the girls. 

When I got to their house she and Justin were already in the car. The girls are standing across the street w/a neighbor.  As the girls were eating lunch, food makes everything better and calms every situation, right?  As the girls were eating they were telling me about how scared they were and how much blood there was.  I tried to explain to them that Andrew would be just fine; he’d have some stitches in his head for a little while, and that he’d be back to normal by that night but all they could focus on was “all the blood”.  How do you explain to 8 year olds that a cut on your head will bleed a lot more than the same cut on your leg?  By then Jessie had gotten a hold of her parents and they came over to take the girls back to their house for the afternoon.

Jessie sent me pictures of Little Man in the hospital and his cut looked gross.  He ended up with 9 stitches – 2 on the inside and 7 on the outside.  However, she also told me later in the evening that he was back to being his crazy self by bedtime.  His stitches come out this Tuesday already!  That’s quick!

That was my drama for the week and my fun filled holiday weekend.  I have nothing else planned until this Saturday when Jessie and I go to DSW Shoes to foot rape boots.  (She wants a new pair of boots and I just want to try some on!)

Worst Mother in the WORLD!

Ki has not been behaving well for the last few months.  Ever since we took away her cell phone indefinitely she has been a brat.  There’s no other way to explain it.  I wish I had cameras set up around my house so I could record how absolutely disrespectful she is.  The kicker is she’s not just disrespectful to me.  She’s rude to everyone. 

Of course after I tell her to stop talking to everyone like they’re beneath her and then acting like we treat her like shit when we call her on it, she runs upstairs to cry about how mean I am and how much I hurt her feelings.  The truth is – I’m honestly at a point where I don’t care anymore.  I don’t know how much more of this crap I can take.  She uses her diagnosis of ADHD as some sort of safety.  Like I’m supposed to be more lenient with her because of it.  Or when we discipline her for something, such as last night M told her she couldn’t go back outside because of something she didn’t do, she thinks that by saying she “didn’t understand” the rule that it somehow makes it ok for her to not do whatever it was. 

Of course, when she and I, or she and M, get into an argument it travels down to her and Li, but lately it doesn’t even need to be set off by us.  Even Li is done.  She’s always been the one to stick up for Ki..  She’s the one who will say to me “that may not have been the best idea because of …” I have a tendency to kind of develop blinders when it comes to Ki and her behavior/attitude.  I don’t always see the bigger picture because I’m so focused on whatever set me off to begin with, and both Li and M have to remind me sometimes.  Not anymore though.  Li has said she doesn’t want to be around Ki anymore. 

Ki walks into the house and immediately she’s got an attitude with everyone.  Then when we call her on the attitude we’re in the wrong because we’re “yelling” at her.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been accused of “yelling” at her.  Or because she’s going off on some long winded explanation of why we’re so mean to her and GOD FORBID I INTERRUPT HER!  Then the shit hits the fan.  Yet if I’m talking to her and she doesn’t like whatever I’m saying she will interrupt you in the blink of an eye.  And not stop talking even when you call her on the interruption.

However, I digress.  Back to why I’m the Worst Mother in The World.  Last night was no different than any other night but I finally told Ki that she is making our house unhappy.  In retrospect, I probably should have waited until this Wednesday when we have a session with her therapist, but I couldn’t take it anymore.  She was angry at me for not letting her go back outside after her chores were done so she was being just flat out RUDE to Li when Li couldn’t figure out how to explain a GPA to Ki in a way that Ki would understand.  Li was trying to but Ki decided that she was just going to yell at Li “FINE.  Don’t talk to me.  Be rude and disrespectful.  Everyone is so mean to me in this house.”  I told Ki that I’d had enough.  I was done listening to her talk to other people like they’re beneath her and then acting like we treat her like she’s shit when we don’t jump to do her bidding.

She ran upstairs crying about how mean I am and how much she hates living here, etc.  When she came back downstairs she wanted to talk.  Ie:  She wanted me to listen to her while she complained and didn’t want to hear anything that may contradict her.  Bottom line is I ended up telling her that I’m not negotiating with her anymore.  It’s my house and my rules because I’m the Mom.  I don’t have to explain my decisions to her and I don’t have to give her options.  If she doesn’t like my rules she’s free to call her dad to make arrangements to live with him.  I did tell her that I don’t want her to live somewhere else, but I’m no longer forcing her to live somewhere where she’s unhappy and contributing to making everyone else unhappy.  I did take responsibility for my part in the confrontations we have, but I’m not going to take 100 percent of the blame anymore.  (Don’t judge until you’ve walked in my shoes.)

Ki ended up calling my parents and she went over there last night to spend the night.  They’ve told me for years that if I ever need her to be removed from the situation to call them.  I think Ki was hoping that they’d say “Oh, you poor baby!  Come live with us and life will be castles and unicorns and candy!”  I also know this is not the case, and because my parents are leaving for their 40^th Anniversary Italy trip in less than 2 weeks they are not going to be letting Ki stay with them for long.

She’ll be back tonight and but I know nothing has changed…