Never Say Never... Again

I hope to GOD no one in my family is actually reading this...  (Wand, if you do read this please, please, PLEASE keep this quiet for now.  Not even MM can know yet.)

My Small Soldiers gave me a blog award today and I've never gotten a blog award before so I'm super excited about it but this afternoon I got HUGE news that I can't quite wrap my head around and is consuming all my focus at the moment.  (I promise, Brooke, I will do the award requirements!)

According to the E.P.T. test stick I had to pee on - I'm pregnant.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.  On one hand I'm not a teenager like I was with Li and Ki.  On the other hand I am, yet again, not married to the father.  I know that in today's age that, in and of itself, is not earth shattering but having done this whole "unwed mother" thing with my family before I'm not so hot to trot to do it again.

I also know that over the counter pregnancy tests are not 100% conclusive.  However, this isn't my first time on this ride and I'm pretty sure I know the symptoms I'm exhibiting.  Is referring to these as symptoms correct?  It sounds a bit callous I know, but I'm not working with all cylinders right now.  I cannot look at cheese or even think about cheese.  The thought right now is making me a little queasy.  I love cheese.  I have been known to make a dinner out of nothing but a block of sharp cheddar.  I've been smelling things that I shouldn't be smelling.  Craig was eating a bologna sandwich in the office next to me and I could smell it.  (Made me a little queasy, too.)  Then there are the changes in my body that I'm not getting into here, but if you've ever been pregnant you know EXACTLY what I'm referring to.  Oh!  And my clothes are beginning not to fit.  However, this may be due more to the fact that I'm stuffing my face with every carb I can get my hands on than anything else.

All I can think about right now is money.  I know how much kids cost.  I know how quickly they can bleed you dry of every penny you've ever earned.  That savings account you were adding to since you were 12 years old and cutting grass in the heat every summer?  All those babysitting jobs with the Bina Boys being forced to play the Pink Ranger from Power Rangers because you're a girl?  All those long nights of working at Cock Robin making ice cream creations for the screaming masses?  Yeah, THAT savings account.  Gone.  Wiped with the first purchase of a crib, changing table, and swing.

On top of that do you have ANY idea how much Ambien I've taken in the last month?!  I've taken enough to tranquilize an elephant.  In addition to all the alcohol I've consumed.  I sound like the worlds biggest druggie alcoholic, and I'm really not, but I do have a HORRIBLE time sleeping (which isn't going to get any better from here on out for the next 10 years) and I like to have a glass of wine in the evenings.  Or share a bottle of wine with Jessie on the weekends.

I think I need to go.  I'm beginning to hyperventilate.  And I need to make an appointment with my doctor for a "real" pregnancy test.

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for not judging.  Thank you for being you...