The Company You Keep

Is that even a valid statement?  "The Company You Keep"  Is that supposed to mean that the people you associate with are the same as you?  Maybe, a little.  Do you share interests?  Probably.  Do you act the same?  Maybe.

I was talking with Jess today about her Gram.  Gram lives with Jess's parents and in recent years started to show signs of Alzheimers.  While talking with Jess about a recent episode her Gram had I was reminded of a girl I used to be best of friends with in High School.

Emily, her sister Alecia, and her brother Tony moved to IL to live with her Grammy and Gramps when their father passed away.  Emily was a Freshman (14/15), Alecia was in 8th grade (13/14), and Tony was in 5th or 6th grade.  I found out after befriending Emily that their mother walked out on the family when Emily was 6 years old, and her father was an alcoholic who drank himself to death.  Which is why they had to come live with Grammy.  Emily had a hard time adjusting to living with Grammy and her Gramps, who had Alzheimers.  From the age of 6 Emily was the "woman" of the house and her siblings were her responsibility.  As was the housework.  She suddenly was thrust into this life where she wasn't responsible for any of that anymore and we had some... I'll just say, fun times.

I used to love to go to Emmy's house.  We were dirty smokers (aren't most high schoolers at some point?) and Gramps would hound us FOREVER to find him a smoke if he smelled the cigarette smoke on us.  He loved to sit us at the kitchen table and force us to play Gin Rummy for HOURS.  Em and I would have to beg him to let us go upstairs.  We'd go downstairs later for something to drink and Gramps would have forgotten we just played Gin with him and he'd guilt us into playing again...  

As time went by Gramps' Alzheimers got worse.  They had to change the dead bolts on the doors to ones that used a key from both sides because Gramps started to get up in the middle of the night and would get out of the house.  After several of these nocturnal trips, and visits to the police station to pick him up, they decided the best answer was the double keyed deadbolt.  That was a pain in the ass in the middle of January when Em and I'd be all ready to go outside to smoke only to find out that she'd left her key somewhere upstairs.  Everything had to come off and we'd have to go hunt for the key.

After a few years, Em and I slowly drifted apart.  She had a boyfriend who was a complete douche tool.  He was abusive to her both physically and verbally.  I never witnessed this because our separation had already started by that point, but I did still keep in contact with her and her sister on a semi-regular basis and that was the story I'd get from Alecia.  Looking back I wish I'd known what to look for.  As an adult I can say with finality that she was definitely abused.  She became withdrawn, and skittish, and on a couple occasions had unexplained bruises on her arms.

Senior year I moved to an alternative school and was living with (my now ex-husband) boyfriend.  When I had come back into town after graduation for a night with some friends, I happened to run into Alecia.  She'd told me that the day after graduation, Emily had packed her stuff and left.  No one had heard from her and it had been about 3 or 4 months.

I didn't run into any of Em's family nor really think about them again until Em contacted me through Facebook about 1 1/2 years ago.  She told me she had left Grammy's but didn't just up and leave; that Grammy had kicked her out.  She had gone to Florida in an attempt to locate her mother.  She found her mother - and a boat load of trouble.  She never got into specifics except to tell me that she and her boyfriend at the time had been kicked out of the State of Florida.  I'm still unsure of how one manages to get themselves kicked out of a State.  She was, at them time I last talked to her, living in Seattle and trying to find a way to get back to Illinois, Alecia had married an abusive drunk and had three kids who were equally abused, Tony was a convicted sex offender in relation to kiddie porn, and Grammy had  kicked Tony out of the house when he graduated high school and then she disappeared with their inheritance.  No one in the family had heard from her in years.  In the email that Em shared all this you could hear the hatred that she had for her family.  It was really sad.  She actually said that she hoped her Grammy had fallen overboard off a cruise ship and into shark infested water, and that her sister and brother would just kill themselves.

I knew Em had had a very rough time growing up.  I knew that living with her grandparents was NOT what she wanted to do.  I knew that she harbored resentment towards her mom for abandoning them, but that someday she'd look for her.  I never knew that she'd end up as bitter as she sounded in that single email, and as much as I wanted to help my old friend out - I don't remember if I ever replied to that email.

What does that say about me as a person then?  Does the company you keep as a teenager reflect on who you become as an adult?  Or does every kid go through that time of figuring out where they fit?

MIA

I had a miscarriage last week.

I had my OB appointment on Monday evening.  He tried to get the heartbeat via ultrasound from my belly and couldn't really get a good picture.  He had to switch to the internal device.  

I could see my baby there on the screen but it wasn't moving.  The Dr looked very somber and I knew something was wrong.  He said he couldn't detect a heartbeat.

I had to go to an official ultrasound on Tuesday morning to confirm.  I started bleeding Tuesday afternoon.  It hurt so bad.  I had to have a D&C on Tuesday evening but went into the ER on Tuesday afternoon because of how bad I was bleeding.

I spent the rest of the week on the couch or in bed in my pajamas with a heating pad watching crappy daytime TV and crying.

The #1 job as a parent is to keep your children safe.  You protect them, you keep them safe and you take care of them.  And I didn't do that.

I know how illogical that sounds.  I know that it's completely incorrect.  I know that this wasn't my fault.  I know that there was nothing that I did or didn't do that caused this.  I know all this but I cannot stop thinking it.  

I also know how incredibly pissed off I get when someone tells me that I can't do or have something.  I know how much that makes me want to say "Oh yea?  Guess what, Bitch?  Gonna do it anyway."

M and I have talked about this and have decided that while this baby was not planned the next one will be.  I can only hope that my age doesn't get in the way.  

I have so many questions for my Dr next week...

Crazy Grandparents

I can’t remember if I’ve ever mentioned my intense hatred of my ex-in-laws or not.  I’m pretty sure that I have but to be honest I’m too lazy to go back through all my posts to see if I have or not.  Since I’m so very fond of “background” info here’s a little snippet.  (If you’re already aware of my issues with them feel free to skip the next paragraph.)

I wasn’t a fan of my in-laws when I was married to SFB (Shit For Brains) and that hasn’t changed with time.  To make a very long story short – they made my life HELL when I was married to their son/brother and thought that they could keep up the game when I divorced his ass.  With the divorce I re-grew the backbone he had managed to verbally remove over the course of 4 years and have told the ex-in-laws numerous times where they can go.  I have even had to take my ex-MIL to task for disrespecting me in front of my children when they were with her.  Simply put – I’m not a fan of them.

M has always stayed out of any argument/issue with the ex-in-laws.  The way he views it, unless they’re physically or verbally abusing either me or the girls he has no right to get in the middle of any of it as it doesn’t concern him.  He’s not a fan of them either; he just keeps out of it.

That was, until Saturday!

Li and Ki went to a pumpkin patch with their Dad’s family on Saturday.  While they were gone I got a text message from Ki asking if I was planning on telling her Dad’s family that I was pregnant.  I told her no and asked her why.  Apparently, Barb (ex-MIL) was very upset that I didn’t have the decency to tell her myself that I was pregnant and that she thought I had more class than that, and that I should have told her rather than letting the girls tell her.

Excuse me?  Since when is my personal business ANY of her business?!

I told M and holy shit did he get PISSED.  He was livid.  He immediately texted Ki and told her to let her Grandma know that we wanted to talk to her when she dropped off the girls. 

The girls came home and M was standing on the porch waiting.  He made sure they were inside before he headed to the car.  I can’t remember word for word what he said to Barb, but it was basically that he’s stood by and witnessed her ignorance for 5 years and he’s kept quiet, however, now that she’s starting in on something that’s HIS she’d be smart to keep her mouth shut. 

It was much more colorful though.  And it made me happy.  Very happy to see her go pale as he talked to her, knowing that this conversation with M was NOT what she was expecting to receive.

I naively thought that would be that.  Of course I was wrong!!

Ki got a phone call from her Dad.  Apparently Barb got home and had a panic attack from being “viciously and verbally abused” by “that man”.  (This is another thing of hers that I’ve witnessed several times during the course of my marriage to her son – when she’s trying to start shit and people don’t believe her, she suddenly has a panic attack and has to go to the hospital.  I think it’s a way of getting attention and getting people to stop focusing on how wrong she is about whatever she was starting.  Not only that, but her panic attack conveniently waited 45 minutes until she got home and didn’t happen immediately after the conversation.) 

Ki put the phone down in the other room and told me what her Dad said.  I picked up the phone and informed him that I didn’t give a shit about his mother when I was married to him, and I sure as hell don’t give a shit about her now.   She can have as many panic attacks as she wants the fact remains that she crossed a line and has effectively fucked herself.  I also informed him that his family is no longer allowed on my property, nor are they allowed to be calling my home.  If they want communication with the girls it must be done through him and only him.

To which he threatened to take me to court so I laughed, very hard, and told him I dare him to take me into a court of law.  I offered to bring the paperwork showing he’s $70K behind in child support, doesn’t see them unless it’s convenient for him, has – for all intents and purposes – abandoned his children, and will counter his court threat with my own of having a warrant issued for his arrest; which has been completely within my legal right to do so once he hit $5K behind in child support.

(Neither Ki nor Li was around to hear this conversation.  I had moved out to the garage and M took both kids and both dogs out for a walk.)

He was less than eager after that to pursue court action.  I do think, however, that I need to look into Grandparent Laws in Illinois.  I have a feeling that will be my next battle.

The crazy in that family has reached an entirely new level...

*I hope that people don’t think I want to keep my children from their family.  That’s not the case, but I also don’t think it’s necessary for them to be subjected to this shit every time they see them.  It’s not healthy and it’s not right.

**Also note that I didn’t say that his family couldn’t see the girls.  I’m taking the responsibility off of me and putting it on him where it belongs.  I don’t require him to arrange visits with my family.  Why should it be my responsibility to arrange visits with his family?  He’s perfectly capable; just lazy.

Random This - Random That

So, pure randomness but I figure what better way to get back on the bandwagon of blogging, right?  I know I’ve been kind of MIA lately.  Enjoy…

First bit of randomness:

I was sound asleep dreaming about… something about a casino and kids and long lost sisters.  That’s about all I can remember from the dream because I was brutally RIPPED from dreamland by two dogs going at each other in my bedroom.  By going at each other I mean fighting, not being all about the love. 

At 1:50 am last night my dogs decided to start fighting in my room.  This is odd for two reasons.  #1) IT’S 1:50 AM!  They should have been sleeping.  #2) They really rarely ever fight.  Honestly.  The only times they fight is over treats which is why we separate them when they get one, and there were no treats in the room AT 1:50 AM. 

Both M and I jump out of bed and M grabs Tyson and pulls him backwards away from Walker.  That’s usually all we need to do – separate them.  No this time.  Walker kept going at Tyson which caused M to fall over the laundry basket (that he never puts away so I say that’s his fault) and lose his grip on Tyson.  The dogs continue to fight and I step up to them ready to grab one when Tyson suddenly cowers under the window as if he was being beaten. 

WTF?!

That’s when I realize that at some point between jumping out of bed and now – I’ve managed to pee my pants.  (What is WITH me?!)  Dogs are done fighting, I’ve wet my pants and M has turned on the light so I head to the bathroom while M takes the dogs downstairs to go outside.  I meet him downstairs to see how he is because I was pretty sure he got bit.  He has a couple scratches on his arm but nothing big.  Both dogs are up to date on their shots, and they aren’t around other dogs so we’re not worried.

M told me that he thinks something is wrong with Tyson because Tyson woke him up by standing by M’s side of the bed growling at him.  M told Tyson to shut up and go away at which point the dogs started fighting.  Why would Tyson be growling at M in the middle of the night? 

The winner of this fight was clearly Walker.  Tyson has a cut above his eye and a nasty gash in his ear that goes clear through.  We’ll have to keep an eye on him while it heals.  Usually it’s Walker that gets the short end of the stick in these rare fights.

Why would Tyson be growling at M in the middle of the night is my question.  What is with that dog?  I think that Walker was defending M though.  If Tyson was growling at M that makes sense to me as to why they’d start fighting, but why was Tyson growling at M to begin with?!

Second bit of randomness:

I was dreaming that you could see the baby move in my belly even though I’m only 11 weeks.  (Wishful thinking maybe?) I was showing M the baby move and we could clearly see a foot – toes and everything.  We were playing with the baby by touching here and there on my belly and then grabbing the foot or elbow when the baby would respond.  Then suddenly M slaps my belly right where the baby’s head would be and said “He needs to get used to it”.  I was furious with M when I woke up.

I ask again:  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?  I’m having some really WEIRD dreams…

GET A JOB!!!

My kids drive me to drink.  And since I can’t drink right now (oh how good a glass of wine would taste…) I fucking eat.  And I can’t even eat anything good like a brownie or a steak!  No, I’m pregnant with the fetus that likes raw veggies, fruits and carbs.  God!  This first trimester crap is for the birds.

Li was told at the beginning of the summer that she needed to get a part time job when school started so that she could get her license.  We decided that for her to be able to have her license she would be required to pay for part of the insurance.  As it is, the insurance will only increase by $30 - $40 a month depending on her grades.  She’s an A/B student so she will get a discount. 

August came and went and Li didn’t have a job; hadn’t even looked for a job.  I cut her a little slack since she had been babysitting for Jess over the summer and didn’t really have an opportunity to go look for a job.  (Even though she really did have time, but I’m nice like that.)  I told her at the end of August, beginning of September, that she had until the end of September to get a job or she’d lose her phone.

My plan is this – Make her pay me the $10 a month that her phone line costs me, add that to the $30-$40 for the insurance and put both in a savings account.  When she moves out I will give her the money in the account.  I’m not trying to make my kid get a job to help pay rent, buy groceries, or pay bills.  I want her to realize that you have to work for things you want and that it’s fucking hard to get a little bit of “walking around” money.  That’s all.

Well September came and went and so did her phone.  I had reminded her halfway through September that she’d lose her phone at the end of the month if she didn’t have a job.  I know that it’s difficult for kids to find jobs these days with so many people out of work.  I know that realistically she probably won’t find a job for several months, but I wanted her to be making an effort.  She had every excuse in the book:

Ø  You don’t ever want to drive me – She waits until I get home from work and have changed into my sweats to ask me to drive her.  This in Li-speak means “sit in the car while I drive, then wait in the car while I go in and putz around”.  Make arrangements with me a couple days ahead of time and I’m more than happy to schlep you around.

Ø  There’s nowhere close to get a job – We are right behind a Jewel (grocery store), bakery, Pizza Hut, Ace Hardware, Blockbuster, Dairy Queen, Baskin Robins, Wendy’s, McDonald's, Burger King…  Do I need to continue?

Ø  I’ve been looking online and everything is 18 + - Some are like Blockbuster but Jewel hires kids with workers permits.

Ø  I talked to several people and they’re going to talk to their bosses about getting me a spot – Joey isn’t getting you a job at his Dad’s Jiffy Lube unless you have some sort of qualification; which I hate to burst your bubble, you just learned last weekend how to put gas in the car.

I’m raising the Village Idiot. 

With the beginning of October came the end of Li having unlimited access to her phone.  She was no longer allowed to take it out of the house, or out of the first floor, but could use it still.  


That is until Sunday night rolled around. 

I asked Li what her plans were for the weekend, hoping against hope she would say “Look for a job”.  SURPRISE!  She did say that.  She asked me to help her, she said she was going out with friends on Saturday then would come home Sunday and could I take her to A, B, and C locations to fill out apps.  YAY!  She’s taking initive!  She’s actually looking for a job!

Sunday morning, I got up and did what I needed to do and waited for Li.  And waited.  And waited.  I did a few other things like grocery shopping.  And I waited.  So I took a nap.  And I waited.  After texting a few of Li’s friends to see where she was (because of course Melissa wasn’t answering her phone)  Li finally calls me from Melissa’s phone at 6:15 telling me that they’re at Olive Garden and she’d be home at 8. 

I hit the roof!!  She told me she was going to look for a job and specifically asked me to take her.  I did NOTHING all day waiting for her ass and she couldn’t even tell me that she’d decided against it?!  Needless to say Li came home immediately and now she no longer has a phone for anything other than to call me to tell me that the house is burning down or that she’s bleeding out her eyeballs, nor does she have a computer or internet access unless it’s for school in which case I will log her in because I password protected her shit. 

It’s not the fact that she doesn’t have a job so much as it’s she’s not even trying. 

Jokingly, I blame Jessie & my Dad.  If Jessie hadn’t paid Li to babysit for her this summer & my Dad hadn’t paid Li to cut his grass she wouldn’t have nearly $200 in her bank account.  To a 16 year old $200 is fucking rich.  She sees no need to get a job because she has $200.  However when that money is gone after she spends $50 here or $20 there over the course of several months she’s going to want to do something or go somewhere and will have no money to do so.  Maybe then she’ll actually look for a job.

I can hope, right?

I just titled this Post which made me think of this absolutely hysterical video that cracks me up EVERY STINKING TIME I SEE IT!!  Enjoy...

Pregnancy Dreams

I have nothing relevant to post but I wanted to see if I could keep a sort of Journal of my dreams.  I remember having really weird dreams when I was pregnant with the girls but I don’t remember any of them.  This weekend I had one really strange dream and two little odd dreams.  Unfortunately I don’t remember anything about the second and third dreams except that I had to pee in both of them and took place in the town I grew up in.  Not enough to write down.

Really Strange Dream:

I was in the driver’s seat of M’s Grand Prix sitting in the driveway of a neighbor’s house while my mother was talking to the neighbor.  We were in the neighborhood where I grew up.  Suddenly the car rolled backwards down the driveway and straight down the street gaining speed as it went.  As hard as I tried to apply the break the car wouldn’t stop.  It finally rolled to a stop and I got out of the car.  I was no longer in my old neighborhood but in one I’d never seen before.  I was convinced that it was just new builds in the old neighborhood and if I walked two blocks over I would come out on my old street.  Not only did I not come out on my old street but the Grand Prix was now gone as was the street that I had come in on.  I was walking around this new neighborhood thinking how pretty it was but how eerily quiet it was as well.  It was the middle of the day and I didn’t see any evidence of anyone or anything. I didn’t hear birds or wind. 

Somehow I came upon a guy who I knew (not in real life – I have no clue who this guy was but dream me knew him) and we were walking around the neighborhood together.  He wanted to knock on a door to talk to someone about where we were and how we could get home.  I told him that I was afraid to do that because it was so peaceful and serene, but something told me that if we spoke to the residents it would spoil the tranquility.  We kept walking and on another block there was a family outside in their driveway.  A boy was playing basketball but there was an odd way he tried to dribble with his leg instead of his hands.  The little girl was playing jump rope or something and her movements were odd as well.  Almost as if they were trying to be “human” but weren’t practiced at it enough.  The mother was sitting at a card table with a puzzle.  We tried to talk to them but we didn’t speak the same language.  They tried to speak with us for a little while but gave up and were headed inside their house.  The little boy stopped by the card table and tried to show me the box that was under the puzzle box but something about the writing terrified me and I told him I didn’t want to see that right now..  He smiled at me as if to say, “that’s ok” but his smile chilled me to the bone.  (Think football shaped face with a demonic unibrow in a frown but a great big toothy grin – that’s the best way I can describe it.  Like he was looking at me as if he wanted to kill me.)

We started to run through the neighborhood which previously looked so serene and beautiful, but now the sun was gone and the houses were dilapidated, the street was crumbling, and there were more “people” outside now.  As we were running through the town the residents would look at us, and their children would try to bite us and wanted to chase us, but the grownups would say “Not yet.  Let them run.”  WE ended up running into a corn field and we heard them all start to chase us.

Then I woke up drenched in sweat and needing to pee.  Thinking about the little boys face as he smiled at me still kinda creeps me out.