MIA

I had a miscarriage last week.

I had my OB appointment on Monday evening.  He tried to get the heartbeat via ultrasound from my belly and couldn't really get a good picture.  He had to switch to the internal device.  

I could see my baby there on the screen but it wasn't moving.  The Dr looked very somber and I knew something was wrong.  He said he couldn't detect a heartbeat.

I had to go to an official ultrasound on Tuesday morning to confirm.  I started bleeding Tuesday afternoon.  It hurt so bad.  I had to have a D&C on Tuesday evening but went into the ER on Tuesday afternoon because of how bad I was bleeding.

I spent the rest of the week on the couch or in bed in my pajamas with a heating pad watching crappy daytime TV and crying.

The #1 job as a parent is to keep your children safe.  You protect them, you keep them safe and you take care of them.  And I didn't do that.

I know how illogical that sounds.  I know that it's completely incorrect.  I know that this wasn't my fault.  I know that there was nothing that I did or didn't do that caused this.  I know all this but I cannot stop thinking it.  

I also know how incredibly pissed off I get when someone tells me that I can't do or have something.  I know how much that makes me want to say "Oh yea?  Guess what, Bitch?  Gonna do it anyway."

M and I have talked about this and have decided that while this baby was not planned the next one will be.  I can only hope that my age doesn't get in the way.  

I have so many questions for my Dr next week...