Am I Good Enough Yet?

I guess it's not surprising that this pregnancy is bringing up all sorts of mixed feelings about my Mother's side of the family, but at the same time it is still surprising.

We have a wedding to attend this weekend for my Cousin B.  This will be the first time that I'm seeing my Mother's side of the family while looking more like I'm pregnant than looking like I need to lay off the cookies.  I have not made a big announcement within the family that I'm pregnant.  If anyone is "friends" with me on FB they all know.  I have a weekly update from babygaga.com that posts every Saturday and indicates how far along I am, how many weeks I have left, and the milestones that the baby is reaching for that week.  However, I'm not "friends" with all my aunts, uncles and cousins from my Mother's side of the family so I'm not 100% sure that everyone knows.

In my experiences with my Mother's family news travels fast.  Very fast.  I think most families are like this, especially large ones.  BUT - also in my experiences with my Mother's family when news makes its way through the grapevine that is not perceived by the majority to be "good news" that side of the family can be downright cruel.  My experiences with announcing pregnancies with this side of my family are not fond memories of joyous laughter, hugs, kisses and wishes of good thoughts and healthy babies.  The memories I have of announcing pregnancies are being ignored and treated as a leper.

So... I'm anxious about attending this wedding on Saturday.  I don't know how I'll be treated.  I don't know if I'll be congratulated or if I'll be relegated to that dark corner reserved for the family and friends invited only out of duty and not because you actually want to celebrate with them.

In my rational part of my brain I know that I'm not a teenager anymore.  I'm a married woman of 35 years old and there's no reason for my family to treat me as anything else.

In my hormonal, un-rational brain I remember announcing my pregnancy with Ki.  It was Thanksgiving.  We were in my Aunt and Uncle's house - which is very small so I know everyone heard me - and I made the announcement as everyone was sitting down to eat:  "We have an announcement.  This time next year there will be another baby J_ _ _ _ _ eating with us!  I'm pregnant!!"  You could hear a pin drop.  Not one person said a damn thing to me.  Nothing.  I was humiliated and hurt beyond belief.  Not one person said anything to me about the pregnancy at all.

And oh my god - the talk I keep hearing about how all my aunts and uncles went to see Cousin C's baby and how they were so excited to hold him (well, duh!  He's an adorable little boy, but that's beside the point) and on and on...  Know who came to see me and my children when they were born?  My Mother and Father, and my Aunt C on my Dad's side of the family.  That's it.  No one else came to see me or them.

I'm prepared to go to this wedding.  I'm prepared to stay for the reception.  I'm also prepared to turn around and walk right back out.

But I really hope it doesn't come down to that...